*Caution: Not for the faint of heart. And for all of my friends who are currently pregnant, or have recently had a child, I mean no offense to you, this is just raw emotion and my way of dealing with this*
For those who missed my last post, I just miscarried at 7 weeks. Read the article here for all those details.
I was talking to my sister the other day, and she brought up a really good point. Why is it that miscarriage is considered such a taboo? Women wait until the "safety" zone of three months to tell people their exciting news, but if you don't make it that far, we are expected to keep it a secret and deal with it in silence. We have to continue on with our daily lives, like nothing has happened, as if we can really concentrate on the task at hand, when all we really want to do is get into our pajamas, crawl into bed, and cry. Sometimes, like in my case, people did know that I was pregnant, but it's an awkward conversation for people to have with you, and many times you don't have the emotional strength to talk about it out loud. So I'm choosing to talk about it here where I can cry while I type, and no one has to have an uncomfortable conversation with me!
Before Brandon was born, I had a miscarriage at about 6 weeks. I didn't even realize that I had had a miscarriage and had a D&C at the hospital. I don't remember much about that because I wasn't very healthy at the time. My seizure disorder effected my memory for years, so that experience is pretty much forgotten. This time however, the situation is VERY different. I am in complete control of my faculties, my memory is completely intact, and we waited a long time to try this again. This time I feel the pain of loss, and the frustration of having this happen a second time.
I knew exactly when I was pregnant. I had planned on surprising Nick, but as soon as I saw the test I went screaming into the bedroom because I couldn't hold it in! I sent email subscriptions to all the baby magazines to send me weekly updates about my pregnancy. I had written on the calendar on my phone when every 4 weeks had passed during my pregnancy...all the way to my due date. Nick and I were reading from a "pregnancy week by week" book that we used when I was pregnant with Brandon, and I was planning on buying the updated version of that book this weekend. I knew exactly how I was going to announce on Facebook that I was pregnant and couldn't wait! I had even already started looking at baby furniture, since we have none, and baby bedding! Instead, I had to unsubscribe to those emails, which was not easy. For some stupid reason they make it MUCH easier to subscribe than to unsubscribe. I trashed all the internet links to anything baby related that I'd saved, and I erased all the dates I'd put on my phone calendar, and put the baby book away.
Have you ever noticed that when you want something that you can't have, it seems like everyone else has it? Facebook has been nothing but a reminder of our loss, as everyone is announcing either their pregnancy or delivered babies. All the stupid ads on the side of my Facebook page have to do with babies, since that's been what I'd been looking at lately on the internet. And it seems like everyone at work is announcing they're pregnant! It's like pouring salt on the wound.
I was given 3 choices to "complete" this miscarriage. Another D&C, I could let it pass on its own, which could take up to 2 weeks, or I could take a medication that would complete this in 48 hours. I choose the medication. I want this done so that I can move on. I did some research on this medication and became sad. Not only is this medication used to "complete" a miscarriage (also known as a spontaneous abortion, a term I can't stand), but it's also given to women who want to have an abortion. You have no idea how horrible I feel taking this medication. I know that I'm not taking it to induce an abortion, but the very fact that it's used for that reason makes me sick.
So last night I curled into my favorite chair, and prepared for what was about to happen. The medication is supposed to contract my uterus to expel what is left of the baby, so I was also given some pretty heavy pain pills. I didn't actually go into labor with Brandon, so I had no idea what to expect. An hour after taking the medication, I wanted to scream. I didn't, because Brandon was upstairs playing. All he knew was that mommy wasn't feeling good. I've now discovered that contractions, even the smallest ones, suck!! I took some of the pain medication and continued doing anything I could to keep my mind off of what was happening. I painted my nails, watched CSI: Miami (love that show!), and took deep breaths. I was afraid to go to the bathroom because the medication is also supposed to make me bleed, which is something I wasn't interested in seeing. I'd already watched myself bleed 17 days ago when this mess began, I really didn't want to see it again. Luckily that part hasn't been too bad, and I was able to sleep through the night.
This morning I'm taking the last 2 doses of the medication. I'm cramping again, and I simply hope this is over soon. I'm looking forward to letting this go and moving on. I can't make decisions now about whether I want to do this again...I'm too emotional, too scared of it happening again, and more time needs to pass. I do know that now that I'm the magical age of 35 I have another whammy against me, as pregnancy over 35 can tend to lead to higher risk, which I already am due to my seizure disorder!
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this: I am very grateful for my friends and family who have supported me through this. Your kind words and encouragement have meant a lot.