Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Emotions I Didn't Expect

I had a rough end to 2013.  My VNS device broke, and after years of waiting to be healthy again, I became pregnant and then had a miscarriage.  Read here and here to get caught up on the story if you aren't familiar with it.

My health hasn't gotten any better since changing the VNS device.  I've had to go back onto the medication that isn't healthy for pregnancy because my seizures aren't under control.  I continue to have breakthrough seizures, despite having had the surgery almost 5 months ago.

Throughout this process, Nick and I have thought long and hard about whether or not we should try to have another baby.  I gained weight after the miscarriage....depression weight.....that I have yet to loose. I don't want to have a baby just to have to send it to daycare to be raised by another person.  We also don't have the money for daycare.  After weighing all of these options we decided to shut down the "baby factory".  We were both okay with the decision, and had put it behind us.

Today I went to my Gynecologist.  I hadn't seen her since my last visit in October when I was told that I had indeed had a miscarriage.  She was asking me how I was doing, and what we had decided to do. Sitting in the room, a huge wave of emotions came over me.  Suddenly it was October again, and I felt like I was reliving the miscarriage.  I wanted out of that room, but I wanted out of it without anyone seeing the tears that were ready to spill.

I managed to get to my car, and it all came out.  The tears flowed and I began to wonder what the heck was going on.  I was upset about the miscarriage again.  I thought that I had grieved and was past this, so these emotions came as quite a shock to me.  There are many women at work who are pregnant, and are due around the same time I would've been.  I began realizing that they are what I would be looking like, if I was still pregnant.  I was crying because it wasn't safe for my health to try again, and we couldn't afford it if we wanted to.  My window of opportunity has closed.  The lingering question of "what if" began to creep back into my mind, and for a moment, it completely overtook me.

I cried a little more in the car, ate some take-out for dinner, and now I'm okay again.  I just didn't expect this to creep up on me again.  I guess you never really get over it.

1 comment:

  1. Wendy-you are such a strong person, a good cry is the least emotion deserved for your situation.