Movie Versus Musical Version

I've been on a musicals kick lately.  I've always loved them, grew up watching them, singing them.  Two of my favorites have always been The Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables.

I discovered the 25th anniversary LIVE version of The Phantom of the Opera that is on Netflix, which is absolutely incredible.  Brandon is singing the song "The Phantom of the Opera" around the house, I LOVE IT!  I also just received the Les Mis 10th anniversary special for Christmas.

Friday night I saw the movie version of the musical Les Miserables for the first time.  I wasn't interested in seeing it when it came out in the theaters, but after all the hype it got last year about how they sang live on the set, and the Emmy award wins, I thought that if I ever had the chance to watch it I would.

Needless to say, that's 2 hours and 33 minutes of my life that I can never get back.  Why does Hollywood continue to make movie versions of the most successful Broadway musicals of all time?  In my opinion, Movie to Broadway, or Broadway to Movie worked back in the 1950's - 1970's, but it just doesn't seem to be working the same way today.  Guys and Dolls, Hello Dolly, and Funny Girl are three of my all time favorites, and I actually enjoy the MOVIE versions better.  West Side Story, Mary Poppins, and Grease are other musicals that have been done both ways successfully.

Something just seems to be lacking today.  "Back in the day", it seemed more important that you could sing BEFORE you were cast in a role that actually required singing.  (Marlon Brando is the exception.  He did his best in Guys and Dolls, and luckily only had one big number to sing, "Luck be a Lady".  He was surrounded by men who COULD sing, and since he was a great Sky Masterson, I can overlook his singing ability).  Now it seems that Hollywood is more interested in casting an actor/actress that will bring people to the theatre BEFORE they think about whether or not they can sing.  Barbara Streisand, Julie Andrews, Natalie Wood, and Frank Sinatra can sing!

However, when you take on two the most FAMOUS BROADWAY PRODUCTIONS OF ALL TIME, you'd better really be ready, because no matter what you do, there will be fans who hate it.

Ready to hear some music?  I'm going to show you clips from the most popular song from both the movie and Broadway versions of Les Mis, and The Phantom of the Opera, and you can decide which you think is better.

First we'll start with Les Miserables:

Ms. Hathaway does a fantastic job of selling Fantine's desperate situation.  She looks like garbage, since the character of Fantine was a prostitute,  and the raw emotion is convincing.  What bothers me here is that it's almost overdone.  Is it just me, or does she seem to cry her way through a lot of this song?  And why did everyone make a big deal about her cutting her hair for the movie?  If I was getting her salary for making a movie, I'd cut my hair too!  It does grow back people!




Ms. Henshall busts out her singing chops, and I feel the emotion all WHILE SHE'S STANDING AT A MICROPHONE!  While I believe that Ms. Henshall sang the best version, I appreciate the emotion that Ms. Hathaway brought to the song.  But let's face it:  I'm NOT going to listen to Ms. Hathaway's version over and over again.

Movie Version: 0
Broadway Version: 1




Mr. Armstrong, and Ms. Hallway, as Thenardier the Innkeeper, and his wife, simply steal the show.  Not only is it fun to watch the two of them sing it, but everyone around them gets into it, bringing even more fun to the song.




First of all, I can't stand Sasha Baron Cohen.  And I'm not a real big fan of Helen Bonham Carter.  That being said, I think that they were a good choice for these roles.  They are both flamboyant, over-the-top actors who sell it.  I ended up hating these two characters, which might have been the point.  If it was, then they did their job.  My problem with this song is that it lacks the "pizazz" that the version from the musical has.  "Master of the House" is one of the show-stopping numbers.  The crowd during the live show goes WILD when this song comes on.  The song is funny in the broadway version.  This version is slower, andy I found no humor in it.  I listened to about 3 minutes of it and couldn't handle it anymore.  There's no doubt which version of this song I'd rather listen too.

Movie Version:  0
Broadway Version:  2




Absolutely PERFECT!  Again, they are only standing at a microphone and I can feel the emotions.  Marius is devastated since he's just discovered that his childhood friend loves him, and now she's died.  Eponine is finally where she has always wanted to be; in Marius's arms.  I cry every time I watch this clip.




I have many problems with this version.  I understand that after being shot in the stomach you wouldn't have the strength to belt out a song; you are dying after all.  However, whispering the lyrics of a song doesn't count as singing in any way, shape, or form... in my opinion.  One of the elements that draws people to the Lea Salgona/Michael Ball version, is the emotion.  Marius is truly sad to see her die.  In this version, I don't feel any of that.  Eponine dies, Marius hardly sheds a tear, and then she's gone.

Movie Version:  0
Broadway Version:  3




Considering this is one of the most well known songs of all time, and has been covered by some powerhouse singers, Hugh Jackman had HUGE shoes to fill.  I don't think there was anything Jackman could have done to make this work.  I would've been having panic attacks if I was him!  The last note is cringe-worthy, but otherwise I feel the emotion.



Colm Wilkinson, the man who originated the character of Jean ValJean, has a voice of gold, plain and simple.  I want this man singing at my funeral, which means pulling out recordings since he will probably go before I do!!

Movie Version:  0
Broadway Version:  4

Russell Crowe played the character of Javert, the police officer who hunts ValJean.  I will never understand why he was chosen for this role.  And because I thought his acting, and more importantly, his singing was HORRIBLE, I'm not going to even post it here.  If you want to hear it, look it up on YouTube.  I am going to give the Broadway version points though because Russell was so awful!

Movie Version:  0
Broadway Version:  5

The best part of this movie came, when 30 minutes in, Colm Wilkinson showed up playing the Bishop!!  I was so excited, I started jumping up and down!  I loved that they gave him a "shout out", and it was five minutes of pure joy; the only pure joy in the entire movie.



Movie Version:  1
Broadway Version:  5

As you can see, I believe that the movie version is AWFUL and the Broadway version is far superior.  However, I did learn a few things about the musical from watching the movie.  The movie helped fill in the gaps of the story since I've only seen the version where they are standing in front of the microphone and singing.  However, that's all I gained from the over 2 hour movie that I watched.

And now on to my favorite musical of all:  The Phantom of the Opera

I'll be comparing the live version from the 25th anniversary at the Albert Hall (currently on Netflix), starring Sierra Boggess and Ramin Karminloo to the 2004 movie starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum.

We begin with the songs "The Phantom of the Opera", and "Music of the Night" from the movie.






Is it just me, or does Emmy Rossum's voice sound like that of a 10 year old girl?  It sounds very nasal-like to me, and it's annoying.  Christine's voice is supposed to be mind-blowing, amazing.  They missed the mark here.  One of the biggest differences between this movie and the Les Mis movie is that the tracks were pre-recorded for Phantom.  You would think that this would allow the actors to focus more on their acting and put more emotion into their characters.  Apparently they all missed that memo.  Gerard Butler doesn't sound that bad.  He sounds like a guy who doesn't sing for a living who was asked to sing in a movie.  But again, there's no passion, which is what the character of The Phantom is full of.  These two songs set the stage for the relationship between The Phantom and Christine.  She is entranced by him, she can't say no to him.  I don't feel that here at all.




Can you feel the passion of the characters here?  Holy cow, they are DRIPPING in it!  Their faces, movements, SINGING, everything draws you into their relationship.  I feel each of their struggles, and emotions.  It is oozing off of them.  And I don't know about you, but I've never found The Phantom a "sexy" character.....until now.  Ramin Karminloo does a fabulous job of making me see this character in a way I've never seen him before.

Movie Version:  0
Musical Version:  2



This was never one of my favorite songs from the musical but OMG...Sierra pulls me into this every single time.  The emotions on her face make it impossible to not find yourself getting caught up in the moment; her feelings are POURING out of her.  The first time I watched this I found myself yelling at her through the television to realize that her father wasn't singing to her!



I love the setting of this scene, but I can't help coming back to the fact that this was a pre-recorded song, giving the actress nothing else to worry about but selling it to us.  Why can't she give more emotion?  She's hardly moving her lips, so it looks like she isn't even singing to begin with.  If she looked like she was actually in character and paying attention to what she was supposed to be doing, I would've really liked this song.  I give more emotion to this song when I attempt to belt it out in the privacy of my own home!  It's very disappointing.

Movie Version:  0
Broadway Version:  3

The last song is "The Final Lair".  I had to put it in 3 parts to show you the movie version.







Does anyone else think that The Phantom isn't ugly enough in this movie?  Throughout the entire movie/play we are left wondering what he really looks like beneath the mask.  The movie was a big let down in that area.  Raoul is obnoxious; or maybe it's his hair that bothers me, I can't quite tell.  The Phantom displays emotion, but still nothing from Christine.  This Emmy Rossum person can't act!

I couldn't embed the Broadway version, so here's the link for their version.

Phantom of the Opera; The Final Lair

Holy cow.  Simply FAB.U.LOUS.  I can feel the Phantom's pain.  In this version I'm not feeling like Christine is kissing the Phantom to simply free Raoul.  Here, she wants the Phantom to know that she really does care.  The look on the Phantom's face at 6:55 says it all.  His hands are shaking, eyes wide open.  He can't believe what is happening.  It is pure love, and intoxicating.  His face is very disfigured, but I would've kissed him too!!  Ramin makes me feel sorry for the Phantom.  He makes me root for him to win Christine!  When he nods to Christine to go, she almost doesn't go.  I love that part.  If Raoul hadn't come back, the story could've ended differently.  One of my favorite sequences in the entire play.

Movie Version:  0
Broadway Version:  4

Bottom line:  The movie versions of these two movies were beyond horrible.  I'm grateful for the internet that gives us the ability to constantly watch the versions we prefer, and leave the rest of the garbage behind!

VNS Surgery

*Surgery pictures below*

Tuesday I had surgery at the University of Utah to repair my Vagus Nerve Stimulator.  We got up there around 12:30pm, but I wasn't wheeled into surgery until around 3:45pm. 

The first thing I was impressed with was how many people were there to help with the surgery.  It's a teaching hospital, so a resident put in my IV.  He was very nice, so it made up for the fact that he had to stick me twice.  I also met the actual anesthesiologist.  I met my surgeon, which I wasn't expecting.  He told me that it would be a little bit of an exploratory surgery, which I knew.  They wouldn't know if the lead on my Vagus Nerve (which talks to the battery and tells it to work)  was broken until they actually opened me up.  The surgeon said it was very rare for a lead to break, and that depending on how bad my vagus nerve is, a side effect could be my voice changing, and becoming hoarse.  This was news to me, and became a  concern since I am a school teacher.  Oh well, hoarse voice or seizures....I'll go with the hoarse voice.

My neurologist was there, the surgeon's assistant, and at one point, inside the little pre op room, there were about 10 people inside, all for me.  I felt special!

If the lead needed to be changed, the surgery would take about 3 hours because they would have to use microscopes and small instruments to get all the scar tissue out from around the lead.  I've had this lead since 2002.  30 minutes into surgery my family received a call that that lead was broken, and they would begin the delicate process of removing all the scar tissue so that they could replace the lead. 

Below is a picture I found on the internet of what the surgery looks like, along with a description.  It would've been awesome to actually see my surgery, but I think it's cool anyway!

The images show the microsurgical pattern of electrode removal and reimplant around vagal nerve. (a) Old electrodes (a conductor through which electricity enters or leaves something such as a battery or a piece of electrical equipment) enveloped in fibrotic tissue, (b) piecemeal removal of electrodes and silicon spiral tether, (c) vagus nerve anatomical preservation, (d) new electrode (lead)implantation.

When I woke up, I was VERY aware of the fear of my voice sounding different, so I began talking and didn't stop!  The first thing I said was that I had was dreaming about grading a Shurley Grammar test!  They all thought it was funny that I was dreaming about work.  I noticed right away that my voice sounded nromal, so I was very grateful for that.

The doctor said that surgery went very well.  My vagus nerve is very strong.  My magnet hasn't been turned on yet, because my vagus nerve needs time to heal.  It will be turned on in about two weeks.  I've also been told that I'll be able to be taken off of some of my medications and have them switched out with safer medications.  That's always a happy thing to hear.  I can't say enough wonderful things about the team I had at the U of U.  They were so kind, accomodating, and the survery I receive in the mail is one that I can't wait to fill out!

Sleeping the first night at home was rough.  Wednesday, the 1st day after surgery, was also rough.  My body didn't like the pain medications, so I wasn't able to keep anything down.  Luckily Wednesday night I slept on my favorite chair in our living room, so I was able to get up by myself, and actually sleep!  And Thursday I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner, and look forward to leftovers the whole weekend!!

Nick has been awesome during this whole thing.  While busting his butt getting Thanksgiving dinner ready on Wednesday and Thursday, he was also taking care of me.  And so many people from church have been sweet, bringing meals and offering to help with Brandon.
 

My scars as of Wednesday morning.  They're now covered with gauze because let's face it, it looks scary!

Now I'm focusing on moving my arm more, and standing up straight.  I've been walking around like The Hunchback of Notre Dame!  I'm left handed, and this was done on the left side of my body, so that's been fun.  Last night when I started typing this post, my left side began to hurt.  But I need to practice lifting my arm up because I really want to be able to go back to work on Monday!

I'm grateful the surgery went well, and that it's over.  The past 3 months have been rough.  Pregnant in September, miscarriage in October, surgery in November.  I'm done now!  The scars will take a long time to completely heal, but the seizures will stop, so I'm thrilled for that! 

Thanks to EVERYONE who has helped in any way; food, child care, prayers, emails, everything!

Miscarriage Taboo

*Caution:  Not for the faint of heart.  And for all of my friends who are currently pregnant, or have recently had a child, I mean no offense to you, this is just raw emotion and my way of dealing with this*

For those who missed my last post,  I just miscarried at 7 weeks.  Read the article here for all those details.

I was talking to my sister the other day, and she brought up a really good point.  Why is it that miscarriage is considered such a taboo?  Women wait until the "safety" zone of three months to tell people their exciting news, but if you don't make it that far, we are expected to keep it a secret and deal with it in silence.  We have to continue on with our daily lives, like nothing has happened, as if we can really concentrate on the task at hand, when all we really want to do is get into our pajamas, crawl into bed, and cry.  Sometimes, like in my case, people did know that I was pregnant, but it's an awkward conversation for people to have with you, and many times you don't have the emotional strength to talk about it out loud.  So I'm choosing to talk about it here where I can cry while I type, and no one has to have an uncomfortable conversation with me!

Before Brandon was born, I had a miscarriage at about 6 weeks.  I didn't even realize that I had had a miscarriage and had a D&C at the hospital.  I don't remember much about that because I wasn't very healthy at the time.  My seizure disorder effected my memory for years, so that experience is pretty much forgotten.  This time however, the situation is VERY different.  I am in complete control of my faculties, my memory is completely intact, and we waited a long time to try this again.  This time I feel the pain of loss, and the frustration of having this happen a second time.

I knew exactly when I was pregnant.  I had planned on surprising Nick, but as soon as I saw the test I went screaming into the bedroom because I couldn't hold it in!  I sent email subscriptions to all the baby magazines to send me weekly updates about my pregnancy.  I had written on the calendar on my phone when every 4 weeks had passed during my pregnancy...all the way to my due date.  Nick and I were reading from a "pregnancy week by week" book that we used when I was pregnant with Brandon, and I was planning on buying the updated version of that book this weekend.  I knew exactly how I was going to announce on Facebook that I was pregnant and couldn't wait!  I had even already started looking at baby furniture, since we have none, and baby bedding!  Instead, I had to unsubscribe to those emails, which was not easy.  For some stupid reason they make it MUCH easier to subscribe than to unsubscribe.  I trashed all the internet links to anything baby related that I'd saved, and I erased all the dates I'd put on my phone calendar, and put the baby book away.

Have you ever noticed that when you want something that you can't have, it seems like everyone else has it?  Facebook has been nothing but a reminder of our loss, as everyone is announcing either their pregnancy or delivered babies.  All the stupid ads on the side of my Facebook page have to do with babies, since that's been what I'd been looking at lately on the internet.  And it seems like everyone at work is announcing they're pregnant!  It's like pouring salt on the wound.

I was given 3 choices to "complete" this miscarriage.  Another D&C, I could let it pass on its own, which could take up to 2 weeks, or I could take a medication that would complete this in 48 hours.  I choose the medication.  I want this done so that I can move on.  I did some research on this medication and became sad.  Not only is this medication used to "complete" a miscarriage (also known as a spontaneous abortion, a term I can't stand), but it's also given to women who want to have an abortion.  You have no idea how horrible I feel taking this medication.  I know that I'm not taking it to induce an abortion, but the very fact that it's used for that reason makes me sick.

So last night I curled into my favorite chair, and prepared for what was about to happen.  The medication is supposed to contract my uterus to expel what is left of the baby, so I was also given some pretty heavy pain pills.  I didn't actually go into labor with Brandon, so I had no idea what to expect.  An hour after taking the medication, I wanted to scream.  I didn't, because Brandon was upstairs playing.  All he knew was that mommy wasn't feeling good.  I've now discovered that contractions, even the smallest ones,  suck!!  I took some of the pain medication and continued doing anything I could to keep my mind off of what was happening.  I painted my nails, watched CSI:  Miami (love that show!), and took deep breaths.  I was afraid to go to the bathroom because the medication is also supposed to make me bleed, which is something I wasn't interested in seeing.  I'd already watched myself bleed 17 days ago when this mess began, I really didn't want to see it again.  Luckily that part hasn't been too bad, and I was able to sleep through the night.

This morning I'm taking the last 2 doses of the medication.  I'm cramping again, and I simply hope this is over soon.  I'm looking forward to letting this go and moving on.  I can't make decisions now about whether I want to do this again...I'm too emotional, too scared of it happening again, and more time needs to pass.  I do know that now that I'm the magical age of 35 I have another whammy against me, as pregnancy over 35 can tend to lead to higher risk, which I already am due to my seizure disorder!

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this:  I am very grateful for my friends and family who have supported me through this.  Your kind words and encouragement have meant a lot.

A Trial Of Your Faith

Last December I was sitting in church watching a baby playing.  I was instantly hit like a ton of bricks.....there's another baby waiting for us.  I thought this was crazy.  At that time I had no job; I was a substitute teacher.  I had no insurance, and was 40 pounds overweight.  So I put the thought out of my mind.

I never wanted to have another baby.  I miscarried before Brandon, and after Brandon was born healthy I figured that was it.  My health declined and I spent the next 4 years trying to get control of my seizures.  Babies were nowhere on my radar.  If you're unfamiliar with that story, you can read it here.

Last January I was hired at Excelsior Academy.  We moved to Tooele a month later and I began loosing weight.  Job-check.  Weight loss-beginning.  There was still the hurdle of insurance.  There was a 9 month pre-existing clause in my insurance, which meant I couldn't see a neurologist until October of this year.

Just this September, my brother-in-law felt inspired to tell Nick and I that were we going to experience a trial of our faith.  He is truly an inspired man.  I discovered I was pregnant the end of September.

In early October I was able to finally see a neurologist because the 9 month pre-existing condition clause on my insurance had expired.  He was a nice enough guy, and everything was fine.

A week later, after going almost 6 years without having any seizures, I began having them again, completely out of the blue.  Nervous, I went back to my neurologist, and a few interesting things happened.  First, when he went to check my Vagus Nerve Stimulator, it was giving him an "ERROR" sign.  He wasn't sure if this meant something was wrong with my actual device, or if something was wrong with his hand held device.  What's a Vagus Nerve Stimulator?  Read here for all the details.

He said he would call the local "Rep" and see if they could come and take a look at it.  I asked him what would happen if it was the device that was broken, and he told me I'd have to have surgery to replace it.  I reminded him that I was currently 6 weeks pregnant, so surgery wasn't an option until I was at least 14 weeks along.  We decided that if the device was broken, we'd need to tweak my medication until I was at 14 weeks.  I asked the doctor how long it would take for me to hear back from the "rep", and he said they should know by Tuesday or Wednesday (this conversation occurred on a Thursday).  He told me that there was a case worker now who would be calling him back.  He also wanted to schedule a Sleep-deprived EEG.  I wasn't thrilled about the Sleep-deprived EEG because basically you have to go 24 hours without sleep, and then take this test.  It would stress my body into a seizure, which I DO NOT want to have happen.

After speaking with the neurologist, I wasn't happy.  I needed to know right now what was happening.  Here we waited so long to decide to have another baby.  We chose now because I was healthier than ever before.  Now I was 6 weeks pregnant, suddenly having seizures again, and I'm being told that the device that prevents them may or may not be working anymore.  If it wasn't working I needed to increase my medications NOW to stop the seizures.

Being the proactive person that I am, especially when it comes to my health, I called the company Cyberonics, who manufactures the VNS device.  I wasn't going to wait 5 days to find out what was wrong.  I wanted to talk to this case worker, so I cut out the middle man (my neurologist)!

I was put in touch with the lady who handles all cases in the state of Utah.  The lady I spoke to was INCREDIBLE.  I told her my story, how I had a sleep deprived EEG scheduled, and that I was 6 weeks pregnant.  She agreed that waiting to find out what was wrong was ridiculous.  She was so moved by my story, and my knowledge about my situation, that she gave me her direct phone number.  She also said she would make a call and find out what was going on.

30 minutes later I received a phone call back from her.  The neurologists equipment wasn't messed up. The lead in my VNS device was broken, which meant the device was no longer sending the charge up to my brain to prevent the seizures from occurring.  It was going to take surgery to fix it, at which time the doctor would most likely change out the entire device.

Knowing that the VNS device was broken confirmed to me that this was the reason my seizures had begun again.  In my opinion there was now no reason to have the EEG test done.  First of all, I didn't want to miss work.  Second, I didn't want to be stressed into a seizure, and third; it's an expensive test that there doesn't seem to be a need for anymore.

I called my neurologists office the next day (Friday) and asked for the neurologist to let me know if I still needed the EEG test done.  His office called me back and told me that he still wanted me to have it done.  I asked the lady why he still wanted it done and she said she didn't know.  (Really, do people not ask questions like that?)  I politely asked her to ask the neurologist why he still wanted it done, and to call me back.

Friday evening my phone rang.  It was the sweet lady from Cyberonics who helped me discover the problem with my VNS device the day before.  She told me that I had been on her mind all day, and she needed to talk to me.  In regards to the sleep deprived EEG, she told me that she didn't think it was a good idea because I'm 6 weeks pregnant and it may not be the healthiest thing for the baby to stress me into a seizure.  (She is a nurse)  I hadn't even thought about the baby!  I had other reasons why this test didn't feel right to me, but when she said that, it cemented my belief that the test was wrong.  She suggested that I talk to my OB about the EEG, and see if she thought it was a good idea or not.

This lady is very familiar with the neurologists in Utah that deal with VNS patients, and she sent an email to one, and told me that she would help me find a neurologist with more experience.  Let's face it:  the current neurologist was fine when nothing was wrong with me, but he sucks in my opinion now.  The fact that he knew I was 6 weeks pregnant and wanted to stress my body into a seizure tells me that maybe he's not thinking about my best interests.  If we didn't know why I was having the seizures, then I would've gone along with it a little more willingly, but my VNS device is broken, so that explains the sudden rise in seizures.  She spent over an hour on the phone with me.  I'd never felt so blessed before.  Someone I'd never met was watching out for me, and the baby.

I left a message for my OB to call me back regarding her opinion of the sleep deprived EEG, but I knew I was going to cancel the appointment on Monday.

The next Monday I was contacted by the University of Utah, telling me that they had a doctor that wanted to see me.  She's kind of like the "queen of VNS" devices, in Utah.  I asked her office if I should still have the sleep deprived EEG, and they said NO WAY!

I went to see Dr. Combe 5 days later and spent over an hour with her.  In a word, she's FANTASTIC!  The first thing she's says to me is that there is no reason for an EEG, or MRI, and she was impressed and thrilled that I sought out another doctor.  The first, stupid neurologist wanted to turn off my VNS device BEFORE putting me onto another medication to help stabilize my breakthrough seizures.  She also agreed that was a dumb move.  I was given another medication and told that if it controlled my seizures, the next time I saw her we'd discuss turning off the VNS device.  She also told me that no surgeon would TOUCH me while I was pregnant, because I was such a high risk already.  Surgery to fix the VNS device while I was pregnant would be a last option.

So, with the first "trial of our faith" coming more under control, I was looking forward to life getting back to normal.  Unfortunately, the next trial was literally right around the corner.

The very next Monday at work, I noticed blood when I used the restroom.  I immediately became nervous because I've had a miscarriage before, and blood is never a good sign early in pregnancy.  The rest of day everything looked okay, with only a few drops of blood throughout the remainder of the day, and no cramping.  I woke up during the night to use the restroom and my heart sank.  I was pretty sure that I was watching a miscarriage unfold in front of me.  I cried for the next two hours, and didn't sleep the rest of the night.  I called my OBGYN first thing that morning to make an appointment.  Luckily she was able to see me.

My OBGYN is another fantastic doctor, who tells it like it is.  After taking a look, she truly believed that everything could possibly be okay.  The ultrasound showed the blood, but she wondered if it was possibly late implantation bleeding.  All my organs looked good, and she was very certain that she saw what looked like a baby...and i believe I saw it too.  A blood sample was taken, and I was told to come back in 48 hours for another blood sample.  If my hormone level was dropping, we'd know for sure that I was in fact miscarrying.  I went back on Thursday afternoon for the next blood draw, but wasn't able to hear back from her before the weekend.  I had to wait all weekend to find out the fate of my pregnancy.

Since the early morning bleeding, there had been no more blood.  I left feeling a lot more hopeful.  Over the weekend I even had my first episode of nausea...which I was okay with because it was another sign of pregnancy.

Monday I heard from my OBGYN.  She wanted me to come and have another blood test done because my hormone level hadn't increased between the 1st and 2nd test.  I went in that morning and heard back a few hours later that my levels had increased a little, but not a much as she had hoped they would.  I already had an appointment scheduled with her for Wednesday (which was supposed to be my 1st appointment), so I had another 2 days to wait to find out if I was still pregnant or not.

Wednesday (today) came and I was very scared.  Walking into the room with Nick the nurse showed me the "new mom" bag that was waiting for me on the chair.  I told her not to get too excited, as I didn't know if I would be leaving with it.  At that moment I was wishing the nurse had read my file and hadn't put the bag on the chair.  One quick look and she would've known I was there mainly to discover if I'd had a miscarriage or not.

Within the first 30 seconds of the exam I knew the answer to the question that had now been plaguing me for 10 days straight.  When I didn't hear the doctor say, "There it is!", or something like that, I knew that I had miscarried.  There was no heartbeat, and no growth from my ultrasound the week before until today.  I've had 10 days to think about this.  No matter how you prepare for it, hearing that you've miscarried is devastating.  We waited so long to try this again.  I even doubted I could get pregnant again because let's face it, I'm no spring chicken.  It happened fairly quickly, with the timing being perfect because the baby would've been due in early June, which meant I would've made it through the school year.

I went back to the front desk to get the prescriptions I will have to take this weekend to ensure the miscarriage continues and completes itself (which won't be fun), and the sweet receptionist asked me if I received my "new mom bag".  I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage.  I didn't expect the receptionist to have the facts of my case, so I just smiled the best I could and got the heck out of there.

What I'm trying to remember is that our time isn't always the Lord's time.  Miscarriages happen for a reason.  Something was wrong with the baby, and I know there's nothing I could've done to stop it.

The one plus to all of this is that now I can get my Vagus Nerve Stimulator fixed, and hopefully during Thanksgiving break so that I miss the least amount of work as possible.  My seizures will be back under control, which takes that enormous stress off of me, and allows me to fully concentrate on all the other important things in my life!  An hour after leaving the OBGYN's office today I was on the phone with Dr. Combe letting her know the situation and how I now wanted to schedule the surgery.  Schedulers will be calling to make my consultation appointment where I can now have x-rays done (since I couldn't have them while I was pregnant) so that everyone can be completely positive about what needs to be done, and we can get this fixed.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but I'll deal with it one day at a time.



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Best Burn Notice Video EVER!!

While I was looking on YouTube for clips for a future post, I ran across this Burn Notice fan video.  It has scenes from all my favorite episodes.  The gang of car thieves, and their AWESOME uniforms; Michael jumping from the helicopter into the ocean, Michael jumping from the balcony of his exploding loft, the Charger exploding (which still makes me gasp when I see it!), it's got it all!