Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Finding Our Way Back Home

Divorce sucks.  There's no other way to describe it.  When my parents divorced, it sucked.  When Nick and I divorced, it sucked.  I put a lot of thought into the decision I was making.  I knew that it was going to be hard, but I had NO IDEA how much it was going to suck.  That's why hindsight is 20/20.

For those of you who may have missed my last post, click here and you will be able to catch up.

We were thrown into this new world of lawyers, court orders, mediation, and visitation.  It was not pretty at all....it was overwhelming.  We were both angry, scared, and now had to find a way to work with eachother for the sake of our son.  During a co-parenting class I took, the instructor started by saying to us, "If you could co-parent, you probably wouldn't be here!"  It was funny because it was so very true.  If Nick and I could've found a way to get along with eachother we wouldn't have divorced.

I tried so very hard to keep Brandon from getting caught in the middle of this.  Since he was only one when we separated, this was all he knew:  mommy and grandma were at one house, and daddy was at another.  I wanted Brandon to know that just because we didn't live together, it didn't mean we didn't love him.  I knew that it was important for Brandon to maintain a relationship with Nick, and even though it was hard to watch Brandon leave with him during visitations, I knew that having Nick in his life would only make him a better person.  It wasn't always easy to not be angry.  But Brandon came first.  That became a type of slogan for me.  Brandon was the ONLY thing that mattered in my life.

Keeping this perfect face happy, healthy, and grounded was all I cared about, and he is what kept me continuing to do all I could to co-parent with Nick.  I failed at keeping his mommy and daddy together, I wasn't going to fail here.

Many things happened that I didn't anticipate in divorce.  I'm big on control.  I try to be as organized as possible because it helps my life run smoother.  Grocery lists, cleaning lists, "to do" lists;  I make them all.  Blame my mother for that, she's the same way!  Divorce meant I lost a lot of control.  When Brandon was with Nick, I had no control over what was happening.  That was a tough pill to swallow.  Again, hindsight should've told me these things would happen, but how was I to know?

Nick and I would butt heads frequently when it came to Brandon.  One day it finally occurred to me that the only way we were going to effectively communicate with eachother was if I simply put on a smile, and approached each conversation with a Christ-like attitude.  It seems like a "duh" now, but when you're angry and hurt by someone, it's not very easy to just be nice to them.  By taking on that attitude, our conversations slowly became easier.  The hurt and anger would fade away and we were able to work with instead of against eachother.  

Believe it or not, Nick and I attempted to reconcile quite a few times.  Unfortunately, a few weeks would pass and we would just end up right where we started:  not being able to work together.  In April 2008, right after we separated, we had a failed reconciliation.  We tried again that August, and it still didn't work.  April of 2009, right after our divorce was final, another failed attempt, along with August of 2009.  We had some sort of weird pattern, only attempting reconciliations during a month that started with the letter "A"!

One might ask, "Why did you keep trying to reconcile?"  One reason, the biggest reason of all:  BRANDON.  If there was a way to bring our family back together again, and be stronger because of it, I was willing to try.  I never stopped loving Nick.  And he never stopped loving me.  The timing was just never right.

Nick has always felt like it was his responsiblity to make sure his brothers and sisters were taken care of.  That's a big task because he is the 4th of 10 children!  When his mother passed away in September of 2009, he felt that even more.  Often our reconciliation attempts would fail because Nick simply wasn't ready.  He felt that his siblings needed to be more stable in their individual lives before Nick could concentrate on his own happiness.  That was always frustrating to hear, but there was nothing I could do about it.

One night in March of 2010 I called Nick.  I found that everytime Brandon's birthday would come around, I would find myself missing Nick.  I came up with some ridiculous small talk and then I asked him about us.  I asked Nick, "When is it your turn to concentrate on YOUR life?"  By this time his siblings were able to provide for themselves, and I felt that it was now or never.  Something about that question caught Nick's attention because we continued to have a long conversation about it and he realized that it was his turn.

We slowly began this reconciliation.  We kept this a secret as long as we could because we didn't want anybody's opinion to get in our way.  Plus, we remembered that talking to other people about our problems was what began our downfall to begin with.  We would call and talk every night, and I found that I was excited, and even a little giddy to talk to him.  I hadn't felt that way in a LONG time.  Learning to open our hearts up to eachother again took time.  We'd been through a lot of heartache and walls had been built up.  As the weeks past I quietly wondered if this time the reconciliation would "stick".

It did.  The more we talked, we realized that we both learned what we needed to learn from this.  Problems from the first marriage were discussed, and we learned how to effectively communicate with eachother.

We were remarried on June 4th, 2010. 
But we will always consider our anniversary June 24th, 2005     
Since we were still sealed, we just needed to be married again legally.  We had a very small ceremony at church with our bishop efficiating and only a few close family members in attendance.  (If you don't know what being "sealed" means, click here

Getting remarried was wonderful, but life didn't just fall into place.  This summer has been full of major adjustments.  Nick and I had been apart for nearly 2 1/2 years.  During that time we'd been raising Brandon our own way, doing our own thing.  Brandon is where most of our adjustments have come from.  Nick and I had to learn how to parent together, and Brandon had to adjust to living with both of us again.  Where problems like this would've crushed us the first time, we turned to eachother to find the answers.  We have compromised, listened, put eachother first, and remembered that we can love someone and not "like" them at the same time!!  There have been so many trials that we've overcome since June that it only tells us that this is where we're supposed to be.  Two people getting remarried is rare.  Heavenly Father is very happy with us.  That means the Adversary is very upset and doing everything he can to tear us apart.  He can just keep on being upset because he isn't going to win this battle.  



 Each day brings on it's challenges, but we face them, and work through them.

 Lesson learned.

2 comments:

  1. Wendy, this is so touching. I'm so happy that you guys worked it out. I think we can all learn a lot from your story. Love ya!

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  2. i have to tell ya that i think that you and nicks story is amazing. so many people would have given up, but as for you two you didn't. i remember when i had heard that that you wo were getting married again and i thought that was soo exciting for you. I'm happy for you two.

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