Can a Child Make Life-Altering Decisions?

Yesterday on Facebook, a friend of mine had posted an article about a family who has decided to let their 7 year old daughter live as a boy.  The child was 5 when the decision was originally made.  This friend asked for polite comments, as he wanted to start a discussion about this topic.

Last night, it started a discussion with my husband and I.    Read the article here, and then the video is below.



Ryland is the same age as Brandon.  After watching it once, I watched it again, with Brandon in mind. It was difficult to wrap my head around this.  I realize that I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THESE PARENTS HAVE GONE THROUGH, AND I DON'T HAVE ALL THE DETAILS OF THIS STORY.  I also realize that it's NOT MY PLACE to judge them. Attempting to keep my religious beliefs out of this, since that will lead me to the NATURE vs. NUTURE part of this controversy (which I'm not interested in debating right now), I wanted to look at this as objectively as I could.  I still found many aspects of this story that bothered me a great deal.  There are many questions I wish I could ask this family.  Honest, sincere questions.


Right out of the gate, the biggest concern I have is the age of Ryland.  She was only 5 when this decision was made.  Does a 5 year old have the mental capacity to truly make this decision?  Can they really comprehend that they are the wrong gender and would rather live the rest of their life in the opposite sex?  I would argue NO.  When we are young, we say and do things because we don't fully understand. Brandon has told me on many occasions that when he grows up he wants to marry me.  Does that mean I should start planning the wedding?  NO!  I redirect him, as parents so often do, and SHOULD.  When Brandon says this to me, I let him know that mommies don't marry their children, and that mommy is married to daddy. Brandon is too young to understand what marriage is.  If Ryland had told her parents she thought she was a dog, would they have bought her a leash and started walking her around the block?


I'm very curious to know how often Ryland spoke about being a boy.  Was it a casual comment in the bathtub, like on the video, or was it a constant battle?  If it was, remember again that she was 5 when this decision was made.  Do we give 5 year olds everything they want?  We SHOULDN'T, although it's becoming more and more the norm in society.  Do you always get everything you want, even as an adult?  Probably not.  I want to look like a Victoria's Secret model, and be millions of dollars richer with a huge house.  It's not going to happen.  The video shows Ryland's life after choosing to live as a boy.  She is playing baseball; girls do that.  She is playing soccer; girls do that, too.  Who cares if she doesn't like girly stuff....neither do I.  I HATE the color pink, and I'd rather talk about Star Wars than celebrity gossip.  Does that mean that I was born in the wrong body?  What criteria is set that determines this?  The age Ryland was when this decision was made is my biggest issue with this.


What happens when Ryland hits puberty?  She will grow breasts, her hips will develop, and her period will begin.  If she is living life as a boy, I can only imagine how traumatizing this will be for her.  Heck, it's traumatizing for any girl who DOESN'T think they are the wrong gender!  Ryland is now known as as a boy.  Won't these changes alienate her from others even more?  Can her parents begin giving her testosterone injections?  I'd love to hear if/how her parents are preparing her for this, because it has the potential to lead straight to the suicide concerns her parents pointed to as one of the biggest reasons they made this decision FOR her.  (and on a side note, I'd like to know how many 5 year olds struggle with suicide?) Like I mentioned earlier, I don't believe Ryland has the mental capacity to make this decision at the age of 5.  Who knows, when Ryland hits puberty, her feelings about this may change.  And since her parents have already committed her to this life choice by allowing her to dress and look like a boy, changing the pronouns to he/him, and they've even sent letters out to people explaining the change, what happens if she does change her mind and decides she wants to be a girl? Isn't there even more potential for trauma in her life?


What would I do if this was Brandon?  He is the same age as Ryland.  He is too young to make this kind of decision.  If 5 was old enough, then states would change the parental responsibility age from 18 to 5.  It's my job to help teach and guide him, the best way I can, until he is able to make these life-altering decisions on his own.  I realize that is EXACTLY what these parents are trying to do.  This is what they believe is right for their daughter.  However, I would wait until Brandon had already gone through puberty, and was older.  I hear many stories of teenagers who struggle with this and decide to live their life as the opposite sex.  By their teenage years, where they are by no means perfect decision makers, (we never are!) they are much more mentally capable to make this decision.  There is more of an understanding about life, their bodies, and what they want.  Would I be happy?  No.  Would I understand the decision?  No.  Would I do all I could to support Brandon?  Yes.  He will always be my son, and I will always love him, no matter what choices he makes in his life...whether I agree with them or not.


The bottom line for me is this:  Do I believe a 5 year old is capable of making life-altering decisions like this? NO.  I am very curious to see what is happening with this family 5 years from now. I hope that all is well, but I have my doubts.

Ten on Tuesday

10 Favorite Children's Books

Amelia Bedelia has no idea what idioms or homonyms are. She does exactly what people tell her to do and takes everything they say literally. So when she is told to "put the lights out," she does just that --- she unscrews some light bulbs and takes them outside. Her literal mind frustrates her employers on a number of occasions but, in the end, they always forgive her. It is so much fun reading all about Amelia's strange adventures (or misadventures, I should say). But it's also enjoyable to look at the hilarious illustrations that accompany each story. After all, seeing Amelia smear jelly all over the kitchen floor has got to bring at least a smile to your face.  --- Reviewed by Tom Donadio

From School Library Journal

Born third at a time when having more than two children per family is illegal and subject to seizure and punishment by the Population Police, Luke has spent all of his 12 years in hiding. His parents disobeyed once by having him and are determined not to do anything unlawful again. At first the woods around his family's farm are thick enough to conceal him when he plays and works outdoors, but when the government develops some of that land for housing, his world narrows to just the attic. Gazing through an air vent at new homes, he spies a child's face at a window after the family of four has already left for the day. Is it possible that he is not the only hidden child? Answering this question brings Luke greater danger than he has ever faced before, but also greater possibilities for some kind of life outside of the attic.  To what extent is he willing to defy the government in order to have a life worth living?

Amazon.com Review

Nine-year-old Beezus Quimby has her hands full with her little sister, Ramona. Sure, other people have little sisters that bother them sometimes, but is there anyone in the world like Ramona? Whether she's taking one bite out of every apple in a box or secretly inviting 15 other 4-year-olds to the house for a party, Ramona is always making trouble--and getting all the attention. Every big sister can relate to the trials and tribulations Beezus must endure. Old enough to be expected to take responsibility for her little sister, yet young enough to be mortified by every embarrassing plight the precocious preschooler gets them into, Beezus is constantly struggling with her mixed-up feelings about the exasperating Ramona.

From Publishers Weekly

Farmer Brown is dumbfounded when his cows discover an old typewriter in the barn and begin experimenting.  Things really get out of hand when the cows began airing their grievances.  "Dear Farmer Brown, The barn is very cold at night. We'd like some electric blankets. Sincerely, The Cows." When Farmer Brown denies the cows' request, the bovine organizers go on strike.  With help from a neutral duck mediator, the exasperated Farmer Brown finally makes concessions. But, much to his dismay, the cows are not the only creatures that can type.

Sheila is a person who is very worried about how she is perceived by other people. She is unsure of herself, and when she doesn't know something, she tells white lies instead of just admitting it. When her family goes to upstate New York for the summer, Sheila is confronted with her fears of dogs and swimming, and in making new friends she must deal with her worries about herself. You may already be familliar with Sheila from the "Fudge" stories, but this book paints a more in depth, endearing picture of her. As always, Judy Blume uses humor to portray situations that might not be so funny were we in them ourselves.

From Publishers Weekly

The day after her teacher announces, "You know, you can think of almost everything as a math problem," the narrator is afflicted with a "math curse" that affects how she views every facet of her day ("Everything seems to be a problem"). A minimum of the questions she asks herself are entirely logical ("How many quarts are in a gallon?"); some are far-fetched extrapolations (if an M&M is about one centimeter long and the Mississippi River is about 4000 kilometers long, how many M&Ms would it take to measure the length of this river?); and a happily hefty number are sheer nonsense: "I undo 8 buttons plus 2 shoelaces. I subtract 2 shoes. I multiply times 2 socks and divide by 3 pillows to get 5 sheep, remainder 1, which is all I need to count before I fall asleep." Like the text, Smith's wonderfully wacky collage-like art will give readers ample food for thought-even if it's part junk food. Here's a morsel: "Does tunafish + tunafish = fournafish?" Kids will want seconds-count on it.

Amazon.com Review

If geese had graves, Mother Goose would be rolling in hers. The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales retells--and wreaks havoc on--the allegories we all thought we knew by heart. In these irreverent variations on well-known themes, the ugly duckling grows up to be an ugly duck, and the princess who kisses the frog wins only a mouthful of amphibian slime. The Stinky Cheese Man deconstructs not only the tradition of the fairy tale but also the entire notion of a book. Our naughty narrator, Jack, makes a mockery of the title page, the table of contents, and even the endpaper by shuffling, scoffing, and generally paying no mind to structure. Characters slide in and out of tales; Cinderella rebuffs Rumpelstiltskin, and the Giant at the top of the beanstalk snacks on the Little Red Hen. There are no lessons to be learned or morals to take to heart--just good, sarcastic fun that smart-alecks of all ages will love.

Amazon.com Review

Did the story of the three little pigs ever seem slightly biased to you? All that huffing and puffing--could one wolf really be so unequivocally evil? Finally, we get to hear the rest of the story, "as told to author Jon Scieszka," straight from the wolf's mouth. As Alexander T. Wolf explains it, the whole Big Bad Wolf thing was just a big misunderstanding. Al Wolf was minding his own business, making his granny a cake, when he realized he was out of a key ingredient. He innocently went from house to house to house (one made of straw, one of sticks, and one of bricks) asking to borrow a cup of sugar. Could he help it if he had a bad cold, causing him to sneeze gigantic, gale-force sneezes? Could he help it if pigs these days use shabby construction materials? And after the pigs had been ever-so-accidentally killed, well, who can blame him for having a snack?

From School Library Journal

AYoung Widge is an Elizabethan Oliver Twist with a talent for shorthand. Raised in an orphanage, he is apprenticed to an unprincipled clergyman who trains Widge to use a cryptic writing system that he's invented to pirate sermons from other rectors. Hired by a mysterious traveler, the boy is hauled off to London to attend performances of Hamlet in order to transcribe the script for another theater company. Naturally, all does not go smoothly, and in the course of trying to recover his stolen notebook, Widge goes to work at the Globe, eventually donning a dress and wig to play Ophelia before the queen. The true identity of the mysterious traveler provides a neat twist at the end. As in Wild Timothy (Atheneum, 1987; o.p.) and several of his other books, Blackwood puts a young boy in a sink-or-swim predicament in alien territory where he discovers his own strength. It's a formula with endless appeal.  This is a fast-moving historical novel that introduces an important era with casual familiarity.

From Publishers Weekly

Paterson's Newbery-winning novel becomes an entertaining and dramatic audiobook via Leonard's accomplished reading. Jess Aarons is eager to start fifth grade. He's been practicing his sprints all summer, determined to become the fastest runner at school. All seems to be on track, until the new girl in class (who also happens to be Jess's new next-door neighbor), Leslie Burke, leaves all the boys in the dust, including Jess. After this rather frustrating introduction, Jess and Leslie soon become inseparable. Together, they create an imaginary, secret kingdom in the woods called Terabithia that can be reached only by swinging across a creek bed on a rope. But one morning a tragic accident befalls Leslie as she ventures alone to Terabithia, and Jess's life is changed forever.

Amazon.com Review

In a world with no poverty, no crime, no sickness and no unemployment, and where every family is happy, 12-year-old Jonas is chosen to be the community's Receiver of Memories. Under the tutelage of the Elders and an old man known as the Giver, he discovers the disturbing truth about his utopian world and struggles against the weight of its hypocrisy. With echoes of Brave New World, in this 1994 Newbery Medal winner, Lowry examines the idea that people might freely choose to give up their humanity in order to create a more stable society. Gradually Jonas learns just how costly this ordered and pain-free society can be, and boldly decides he cannot pay the price.