Reflections

I had my last radiation treatment yesterday and I'm officially cancer free.  As I sit here this morning, having had a celebratory dinner, (Texas Roadhouse!) I find myself reflecting on the past 7 months.  If you'd like a recap, click HERE for all of my posts about this journey.

You'd think that I'd be screaming from the roof, "I'm cancer free!", but I've found myself feeling very indifferent about this.  I figured this would be the easiest post I'd write concerning this process.  Turns out, I can't quite think of what to say.  Seriously...I really don't know what to say!

Seven months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I cried and screamed.  I was scared and angry.  I didn't know what was going to happen, or how I was going to make it through this diagnosis.  I lost my hair, my taste buds, and a little weight.  I found myself forced to find another job while continuing through chemotherapy adding even more stress to my life.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  My body is still recovering from chemotherapy, and will now begin recovering from radiation treatment.  I will go through a few weeks of pain, redness, and itching.  I just started a new school year at a new school, needing to learn a brand new curriculum and computer system.  Technology and I don't get along very well, and after only two days of school I'm completely overwhelmed and on information overload!  Maybe that is why I'm just not as excited about this.  My brain is busy thinking about too many things!

I am worried about continual side effects, such as "chemo brain" where you have trouble remembering things, fatigue that will now be even worse since radiation is over, and the gastroenterology problems I'm still dealing with.  

I will now have a mammogram every six months to not only monitor the spot where I had cancer, but to make sure the very small mass found in my left breast doesn't grow into cancer.  

I will begin taking anti-estrogen pills to help keep cancer cells from regrowing.  These will continue to push my body into menopause, and continual hot flashes will be a constant in my life.  Since I've been told I'm in the hottest room in the building at school, this will be fun!  Sorry, I'm just not feeling very festive right now.  The usual "laughing it off me" just isn't here right now.  This has COMPLETELY changed my body and life, and I'm pretty sure I will be dealing with the side effects until I'm gone.

On a positive note, my hair is slowly growing back.  It's hard to tell because it's all coming in white.  I can eat food again, and there isn't poison running through my veins.  This experience could've been much worse.  Treatment could've been twice as long, and it could've taken my life.  My bouncy self will return, but right now I have to reserve it for 5th graders 5 days a week, 7.5 hours each day!

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and support throughout the past 7 months.  It has been helpful knowing that there have been so many people rooting for me.

Radiation Therapy: Week One

Now that I've completed my 4 rounds of chemotherapy, I will begin Radiation therapy. If you're not familiar with my story, click HERE to get caught up.

I will go through three weeks of therapy, 5 days a week.  Each session will take about 20 minutes.  Last week I had to have parts of my breast "tattooed" with what was described to me as tags so that the radiologists would know how to line me up on the table each day.  These "tags" were poked into me with a needle.  They will leave permanent "freckles" on my skin.  I have 6 of them, and I can clearly see them.  Just another way for cancer to leave its mark on me!

The radiation machine, which is called a Linear Accelerator, is huge.  I lay on my back with my arms above my head.  There are two small poles that I hold onto and once I'm in position I'm not allowed to move at all.  The machine then moves around me.  For once the machine doesn't get too close to me, so I don't feel claustrophobic. 

While I'm undergoing radiation therapy, there are certain "rules" I need to follow so that I don't further irritate my skin.  I have to use aluminum free deodorant to help avoid skin problems.  They gave me a list of products to choose from.  They also have a preferred list of lotions to use to help keep my skin from peeling and to provide comfort.  I've been told to expect my skin to turn red like a sunburn, and to expect it to hurt.  I've also been told that I can't shave my armpit while undergoing radiation.  Here's to hoping my hair doesn't start growing back there!  Radiation will shrink my remaining breast tissue another 10 - 15%....lovely.  I was hoping to avoid breast reduction surgery on my other breast, but I worry that now it may be needed.  We'll see.

Day 1; 7/26/22

I arrived and changed into a gown.  The radiologists are so nice.  They showed me the lockers where I can put my stuff, and I got ready to be taken back to the machine.  I was asked if there was any music I'd like to listen to since they have Spotify.  I told them 80s music all the way!  

After lining me up and letting me know I can't move until they're done, they started the machine.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  Would I see the actual radiation beams, or something else coming through the machine?  Nope.  What they did have was nice ceiling art to look at while I was on the table.  Something similar to this picture:

This first appointment took about 30 minutes since they needed to take x-rays for comparison later on.  It was really easy, and went quickly.

When I got home, I started to notice that I was feeling warm on my right breast.  I wasn't expecting to feel anything this quickly, so I put on the approved lotion that I bought.  I was also more tender than normal, and it was uncomfortable to lay flat on the bed.  I began wondering if I was going to have to figure out another way to comfortably sleep.  

Day 2; 7/27/22

The appointment only took about 15 minutes from the time I got there until the time I left!  I spent less than 5 minutes on the table.  One song on Spotify didn't even finish!  I wasn't as sore as Day 1, but still warm, so I used the cream again.  I will most likely use that every day.

Day 3 & 4; 7/28 - 7/29/22

I was EXHAUSTED day 3 and 4.  It was like my 2nd round of chemotherapy type of exhaustion, where I couldn't even keep my eyelids open.  I'm wondering if the radiation fatigue that isn't supposed to hit me until after treatment is over is hitting me now.  I was told that the side effects could last for up to a year, and since I'm already experiencing the fatigue, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what happens. 

I finally broke down at home yesterday.  I believe I've handled this very well since my diagnosis in January.  I had surgery in March and recovered quickly.  I shaved my head in preparation for chemotherapy and didn't cry hysterically.  I went through two rounds of chemotherapy while continuing to work, two more over the summer, and I believe I handled chemotherapy like a champ.  I've fought through every disgusting side effect that has been thrown my way, many that I'm still struggling with, and have just kept on going, trying so hard to not complain along the way.  But I've had it.  I'm done.  I want control of my body back.  

I'm stressed about how these new side effects will get in the way of my daily life, and how those I continue to experience will make it even more difficult.  It sounds like the radiation effects are possibly worse than chemotherapy effects!  I go back to work on the 10th.  I have a NEW classroom to completely move into and set up, a NEW curriculum to learn, and a NEW job to fulfill.  I will continue to do what I've always done, and, as Dory says, "Keep on swimming".  It's the only way I know how to keep going.

Here's an incredible performance of New Kids on the Block and New Edition from the American Music Awards from January of this year.