Emotions I Didn't Expect

I had a rough end to 2013.  My VNS device broke, and after years of waiting to be healthy again, I became pregnant and then had a miscarriage.  Read here and here to get caught up on the story if you aren't familiar with it.

My health hasn't gotten any better since changing the VNS device.  I've had to go back onto the medication that isn't healthy for pregnancy because my seizures aren't under control.  I continue to have breakthrough seizures, despite having had the surgery almost 5 months ago.

Throughout this process, Nick and I have thought long and hard about whether or not we should try to have another baby.  I gained weight after the miscarriage....depression weight.....that I have yet to loose. I don't want to have a baby just to have to send it to daycare to be raised by another person.  We also don't have the money for daycare.  After weighing all of these options we decided to shut down the "baby factory".  We were both okay with the decision, and had put it behind us.

Today I went to my Gynecologist.  I hadn't seen her since my last visit in October when I was told that I had indeed had a miscarriage.  She was asking me how I was doing, and what we had decided to do. Sitting in the room, a huge wave of emotions came over me.  Suddenly it was October again, and I felt like I was reliving the miscarriage.  I wanted out of that room, but I wanted out of it without anyone seeing the tears that were ready to spill.

I managed to get to my car, and it all came out.  The tears flowed and I began to wonder what the heck was going on.  I was upset about the miscarriage again.  I thought that I had grieved and was past this, so these emotions came as quite a shock to me.  There are many women at work who are pregnant, and are due around the same time I would've been.  I began realizing that they are what I would be looking like, if I was still pregnant.  I was crying because it wasn't safe for my health to try again, and we couldn't afford it if we wanted to.  My window of opportunity has closed.  The lingering question of "what if" began to creep back into my mind, and for a moment, it completely overtook me.

I cried a little more in the car, ate some take-out for dinner, and now I'm okay again.  I just didn't expect this to creep up on me again.  I guess you never really get over it.

30 Days of Music: Day 17

A Song From A New Album You Are Waiting to Come Out

I am not a fan of most popular music today.  I think that people like Beyonce and Jay Z are degrading to people with their horrible lyrics.  There are very few groups that I follow today.

Back in college a friend of mine introduced me to Rascal Flatts.  I have been a huge fan ever since.  They may be labeled country, but they are a very modern country; which is why I like them so much!

Their new album "Rewind" comes out in early May, and I can't wait for it!  Until then, I will get my fill from the first single off the upcoming album, "Rewind".

30 Days of Music: Day 16

A Song You Like Hearing Live

Two Words:  Hey Jude

This epic song lights up the crowd every time Paul McCartney sings it.  No matter the city, or country he's in, the people go crazy when this song begins.  What makes it even more fun to watch is listening to the crowd when McCartney has them join in.  I've always enjoyed songs that can bring people together, and this is one of those songs.

The following performance was back in 1990, when McCartney was rocking the mullet look.  It was also back when Linda was still alive.

30 Days of Music: Day 15

Your Current Ringtone....and Star Wars!

Surprise, surprise!  My current ringtone is the song "Duel of the Fates", from the soundtrack to The Phantom Menace.  While I still believe that the movie is awful, the music is wonderful.  Here is the song.




But why stop with just one song?  John Williams is an INCREDIBLE composer, and since we all know that I am such a huge Star Wars fan, we're going to take the rest of this topic to highlight my favorite songs from the Star Wars movies!

First up, the song titled "Binary Sunset" from Star Wars.  This song becomes one that is heard throughout the entire original 3 movies, often when someone is talking about, or using the force.  I love this song because it is so powerful.

Next up, "Princess Leia's Theme" from the movie Star Wars.  Sweet, yet powerful, just like the character, this is a beautiful piece of music.

"The Throne Room" piece from Star Wars is next.  Found at the very end of the movie, it's a great end piece, and the power of the song is fabulous to listen to.  When George Lucas went back through the movies, Chewbacca should've gotten a medal like everyone else!!

Moving on to The Empire Strikes Back.  Arguably, the best of all 6 movies.  In their attempt to get away from Darth Vader, "The Asteroid Field" is up first.  Fast paced, and full of grand instruments, this is a great song.

"The Imperial March".  Probably the BEST piece that John Williams wrote for any of the Star Wars movies.  With it's heavy bass, it tells you through music just how evil Darth Vader is.  Simply a fantastic piece.

"Yoda's Theme".  I like to remember Yoda as the calm Jedi Master from Dagobah who tested Luke when they first met by acting like a weird creature, not the flying monkey they try to turn him into in the prequels.  This piece is calm, and fits Yoda perfectly.

The best part about The Empire Strikes Back is watching the relationship between Han Solo and Princess Leia develop.  The next song is titled "Han Solo and the Princess".  The picture below is from where this song begins in the movie.  I LOVE this scene, and this song!

Return of The Jedi is next.  When I was growing up, this was my favorite movie for a very long time. The first 45 minutes are fantastic.  Then you hit about 40 minutes of Ewoks, which were cool when I was young, but not so much anymore....then you hit the last 30 minutes which are once again gold.

First up, "The Sail Barge".  I love this song, I love this scene...well, until George Lucas went and messed around with it, that is!  It does a great job of showing how Luke has grown up since we last saw him.

One of the main reasons I don't like the prequels is that they give away all the Star Wars surprises.  Didn't know Vader was Luke's dad?  You know now.  Didn't know Luke and Leia were twins?  You do now.  This next song is titled "Luke and Leia" and is played when Luke reveals to Leia that they are brother and sister.

The best part of Return of the Jedi is the last 30 minutes when the Emperor and Vader are trying to turn Luke to the dark side.  "The Dark Side Beckons" begins when Luke is hiding from Vader and Vader, sensing what Luke is thinking, discovers that Leia is his sister, and his daughter.  The piece continues as they fight, and is the most chilling piece of the trilogy.  

"Anakin's Betrayal/Anakin vs Obi-Wan" is the final piece today, coming from Revenge of the Sith.  Of all the prequels, this was my favorite.  And I love this fight, especially the part in the picture below.  It was good to see how Anakin became Vader, even if the reasons were stupid, and the fight was a little dumb.  Let's face it:  being that close to lava should've killed both of them!  Below is the clip from the movie with the music in it.

30 Days of Music: Day 14

A Song That Makes Me Cry

There aren't any songs that actually make me cry.  There are, however, many songs that give me goosebumps.  "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion is one of those songs.  Besides just being an amazing song, I enjoy it so much because every time Celine Dion sings it, she puts her heart and soul into it like it will be the last song she ever sings.




Simply stunning.  The goosebumps are forming.

"Imagine" by John Lennon is another song that gives me goosebumps.  It's an amazing song, talking all about people living life in peace, and the world being as one.  It makes me sad because of what happened to John Lennon.  Here he is, wishing for peace in the world, and a crazy man guns him down in the street.  It brings a whole new meaning to this song.