Hair Today...

...gone tomorrow.

Well, I knew this day was coming.  I had decided to cut off the majority of my hair before starting chemotherapy this Monday.  I've watched so many videos where the ladies would just brush out their hair and watch it come out in chunks...no thank you.  I was told by doctors that it will start falling out as early as 5 days after my first treatment.  I don't care about cutting it.  What makes me emotional is that this just means that I'm closer to losing it altogether.  It's going to fall into the shower drain, come out in clumps, and generally make a disgusting mess.  I'm NOT happy about this.  I spent the last week buying caps and different head coverings that I'll wear when I'm completely bald.  It's about to become VERY OBVIOUS to anyone who sees me that there is something wrong with me; that I have cancer.  I kept wondering when it was going to feel like this was real.  It finally feels real.  

This morning after I blew my hair dry.  It's been decades since it's been this long.

This was the first chop.  No problem.  I actually left with this hair in a bag.  Don't think I'll keep it.  Right now it's more a symbol of the process.

Here's the rest of my hair, minus the first cut.  It's quite a large and deep pile.

The one time I got emotional was when the sides of my hair were being shaved off.  It made sense to do it, even though that wasn't my original plan.  It's going to go fast, so why not just do it now?  I wasn't expecting to cry, and I didn't bawl my eyes out, but I got choked up.  The sides of my hair have NEVER been this short!  Can you see all the white hair?!?

    

This is what it looks like now.  It's a very "butch" haircut.  I absolutely HATE it, but oh well.  I won't have it much longer, so I suppose I'll just figure out how to deal with it.  I don't have to go to work next week, and I'm getting a wig tomorrow.  

It dawned on me that when my hair does begin to grow back, it will come back completely white.  I've been coloring my hair for years since I've been going gray for quite a while.  The picture of the side of my hair really shows me just how gray/white my hair is!  Again...oh well.  I was told that my hair is "in shock", for lack of a better term.  The hair that's left didn't want to be styled.  It wanted to lay flat like it's used to.  I was also told that it may not grow back like it has in the past.  The texture will probably be different.  

I'm trying to find the silver lining here.  I'm hoping that when I do completely shave my head it now won't be as much of a shock.  Who knows, I may want to shave it earlier simply because I HATE how my hair looks now!  I went through shampoo and conditioner like crazy.  That won't be a problem anymore.  Drying my hair took FOREVER.  Not anymore.  I have two boxes of hair color.  Won't need to use those for quite a while.  On the flip side, all the cute hair clips I have won't be used for years now, and my hair is going to look really stupid for MONTHS while it grows back.

This won't be the last time you hear about my hair.  Lucky you.  I will definitely post about the next stage of this process...completely losing it all.  Plus...

Round one begins Monday.

And the Winner for my Cancer Treatment is...

It's been a long two weeks.  For any of you not familiar with my story, click HERE to learn all about it.  

It actually took the entire 10 business days to get the results of the Oncotype test back.  This last Tuesday, the 5th, I received the phone call that I've been basically waiting for since January 31st when I found out I have breast cancer.  I already know that I will need radiation therapy.  But was I going to also need chemotherapy?  The test gives you a score from 0 - 100.  If you reach a score of 26 or higher, you will benefit from chemotherapy.  I scored a 30...BARELY out of range.  So yes, I will be receiving chemotherapy treatments.

My consultation appointment was this afternoon.  When I walked up to the receptionist to check in, to my left was a room I recognized from YouTube videos.  It's the room where chemotherapy treatments happen.  I sat down and had to hold it together because I just wanted to cry.

My doctor went over all the different types of chemotherapy that are options for me.  There are two that can cause issues with your heart.  Thankfully, I don't need those.  I will have what's called TC (docetaxel and cyclophosphamide).  It will be given via IV once every three weeks.  Thankfully, I won't need a port.  Each infusion will take roughly 4 hours, so this will take about three months to complete.  I will then be reevaluated to see if I need a second round.  Chemotherapy will take the odds of cancer returning to different parts of my body from 19% without it, to about 4% if I have the treatment.

Side effects can be brutal.  The doctor let me know that I will definitely lose my hair.  Period.  I'm glad that I'd already come to terms with this.  About three weeks into my treatment the hair will begin to fall out.  Nausea is another huge issue.  Luckily, I will not only receive medication to help prevent it before my infusion, but also to help with it afterwards.  Constipation and diarrhea are also possible.  Yuck.  Neuropathy is also something I could be facing.  The idea of loosing the feeling in my hands and feet makes me nervous, so here's to hoping I don't have to deal with that.  The biggest side effect will be the fact that my white blood cell count will go down.  I will be more susceptible to getting sick and contracting infections.  Because of this, I will be given an antibiotic to take home and use the moment I'm not feeling well.  For someone who doesn't get sick very often, and works with children, this could be interesting.

I was told that during this first infusion I will discover the side effects I will face for the entire round.  The doctor believes I will be able to keep working, which is fabulous.  Since there are only about 6 weeks of school left, I'll only have two infusions before summer break.  I've decided to begin chemotherapy the first day of my spring break, April 18th.  This will give me the week to see how I will feel.  The doctor told me that the 1st week is always the worst, and by the third week I'll be feeling back to normal...just in time for the next infusion!  

I'm ready to lose my hair.  I've watched videos of women who wait to cut their hair until it begins falling out in clumps....DISGUSTING!  Why would you wait that long?!?  That must make the process even more depressing.  Plus, hair everywhere makes me want to throw up!  I plan on cutting my hair next weekend, before my first infusion.  My hair is currently quite long.  It's been DECADES since my hair has been as long as it is now.  It falls about four inches below my shoulders.  I'm actually looking into the possibility of creating a wig with my hair.  I have no idea if it will work.  If not, I'm hoping to be able to donate it since I will be losing more than the amount needed to do so.  I'm already looking into purchasing head scarfs and turbans specifically made for chemotherapy patients.  Maybe even a wig.  I've had really short hair before, so I'm not scared of it.  The only difference is that last time I was about 40 pounds lighter, so I have NO IDEA if I will be able to rock it this well:

So much has happened since January 31st.  I'm doing all that I can to "keep on swimming", through this, but like I said in my first post about this:  I fear that this may be the challenge that breaks me.  Between the regular day-to-day things in life, being diagnosed with breast cancer, having gone through a lumpectomy, and now the unknown territory of chemotherapy, I'm tapped out.  People ask me how I'm doing, and I've decided to no longer just say, "I'm doing good".  Nope.  I'm now telling the truth.  When I'm asked how I'm doing, I let them know I'm not doing well.

I try to keep smiling through EVERY health issue I've faced in my life, but this is how I really feel right now:

 

Pathology Report & Treatment

My pathology report came back this morning, so I was finally able to have my follow up appointment with my surgeon this afternoon.  If you're unfamiliar with my story, click HERE

to learn about my journey.

Upon my follow up exam, I learned that I have a large seroma, which is a buildup of clear fluid inside my breast.  It is uncomfortable since it is very hard and is in a place that makes it difficult to maneuver around.  Typing has become a challenge due to its location!  You would almost think it was another mass, it's so large and hard!  I was told that it could take months for this to go away.  I just have to keep my eye on it to watch for any infection.  

The surgeon originally thought my mass was about 3.5 centimeters.  It was actually 4 centimeters.  It has NOT metastasized, so the cancer hasn't spread to other parts of my body, which is FANTASTIC.  I was told that the concept of "levels" with cancer have changed.  It's not just a number 1 - 4 like it has been for many decades.  To make life easy, my prognostic stage is a 1A, which would be the equivalent to a stage 1.  I am not concerned about this cancer taking my life.  It was caught very early, and that is a great blessing.

I was under the impression that I would learn what my treatment would be once my pathology report came back.  Nope.  All I learned is that this cancer process continues to just get dumber and dumber.  My results now have to be sent off to receive an Oncotype DX test.  This test can predict how likely it is for my cancer to return, even though I thought that's what the GENETIC TEST WAS FOR!  It can also tell the doctor if I will benefit from having chemotherapy along with radiation therapy.  It will take 5 - 10 BUSINESS DAYS...basically 2 more weeks, to get the results.  Here's what I don't understand:  WHY WASN'T THE ONCOTYPE TEST DONE WHEN MY MASS WAS SENT TO PATHOLOGY ON MARCH 10TH??  This is a common test.  I was supposed to have my pathology report  LAST Thursday and I had to wait until Tuesday.  Now I have to wait ANOTHER 2 WEEKS to find out my treatment?  I'm a pretty patient person, but this is RIDICULOUS!  I really do have a life.  It's getting busier with Brandon in baseball, and I really need to know how treatment is going to effect my job and my life!  Doctor's need to rethink this process.  We shouldn't have to wait, just to wait again, only to have to wait AGAIN!  Heaven only knows what else I'll have to wait for!

So there's my update.  I won't know my treatment until April 5th.  At this rate, I'm guessing the treatment won't start until May.  Not only do I have to wait to heal before treatment can begin, but who knows how many other issues will come up before I even get to treatment!  The biggest thing I've learned so far is this entire cancer process is stupid.  Test after test, just to wait, and wait, and wait.  Absolutely ridiculous.

Lumpectomy & Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy Surgery & Recovery

Well, I'm now a week out of surgery.  It's been an interesting week.  We arrived at the hospital bright and early Thursday at 5:45AM and began the registration process.  The best part about the surgery was that the anesthesiologist pumped the meds into my system early and I was out of it before we even reached the elevator door!  In all of my surgeries, that was a first.  I've been awake all the way into the operating room.  Surgery took about two hours.  The surgeon was originally going to take two lymph nodes, but only took one.  She told Nick that the lymph node she took looked good, implying she didn't think the cancer had spread.  We were home by 1PM that afternoon.  The rest of the day I slept, unable to move the right side of my body.

I knew the day after surgery was going to be the hardest, and I was right.  Surgeon's don't send you home with as many pain pills as they used to.  I did a lot of rotating Tylenol and Ibuprofen, so I spent the day in quite a bit of pain.  I also had a horrible migraine, which wasn't helpful.  I received flowers from my work and my sister and brother-in-law, which put a smile on my face.

By day three (Saturday), I was ready for the pain to be gone.  Along with ANOTHER migraine, I spent the day incredibly dizzy.  On the up side,  I was able to take a shower, even though I couldn't use my right arm.  It wasn't the most pleasant experience!  You never realize how much you use a part of your body until you can't use it!

Brandon was scheduled to begin baseball practice for the city team on Tuesday.  I wasn't sure how we were going to do this, especially since Nick was back at work and I still didn't know my treatment schedule and am recovering.  An incredible thing happened.  I reached out to the parents on his team, and they are going to help get Brandon to and from practices and games when I'm not able to.  They have already begun helping, and I'm beyond grateful.  

I haven't thought about my pathology results at all over the past week.  I've been busy being in pain and focusing on my recovery!  My appointment was scheduled for today (Thursday) at 1PM.  I was looking forward to learning what the next step in this marathon was going to be; radiation or chemotherapy.  My phone rang a little after noon, 20 minutes before my sister was set to pick me up.  It was my surgeon's assistant telling me that my pathology report hasn't come back yet!!  I was the first surgery of the day so that my mass would get there ASAP, and here I am having to wait...again.  My appointment has now been rescheduled for Tuesday, and I'm not holding my breath that it will be back by then either.  Waiting until a few minutes before I was set to leave to give me this information was a bit unprofessional.

Today I'm feeling the best I have since my surgery.  I'm healing well, even though it looks gross!  In a perfect world, I'd take another week off of work.  Walking still feels weird, and driving a short distance yesterday was an experience.  It hurt.  Each day I work on using my right arm a little more, doing all I can to not accidentally do too much.  Habit often kicks in and I have to remind myself to take it easy.  The clothing I purchased has all proved to be very helpful and I'm glad I did the research.  

It still doesn't feel like I have cancer.  Maybe it's because I don't feel any different than I did two months ago.  Sure, I had surgery, but I've had many surgeries in life.  I still wonder if it will take until I learn what my treatment will be for this to sink in.  I'd like to think this is a blessing.  I guess we'll see.

Leaving on a fun note:  New Kids on The Block released their latest single last week.  I love these guys and their creativity.  Mocking famous videos from the 1980's, this is corny, but so much fun.  These men are in their late 40's/early 50's, so I don't expect them to make videos like they are in their 20's.  THAT would be RIDICULOUS!  I can hardly wait to see them in June!

I'll keep you all posted about my treatment...if I hear back from the pathologist's office!

The Day Before Surgery

I saw this and just about lost my mind!  Not only do I know who this is, 

I'm still in LOVE with them and will see them when they come to Salt Lake City in June!

Well, surgery is tomorrow, and I'm beginning to get nervous.  Yesterday I finished getting 8 school days worth of sub plans completed, prepped everything for the week I return, and graded as much as I could.  I found myself getting emotional when I came home yesterday.  I haven't really let myself think too much about this.  I've taken today off of work to run errands and get all the last minute stuff done that I need to take care of.  

I keep hearing that women need to do something for themselves before surgery, so I got a pedicure today!  I HATE painting my toenails.  Let's face it; I'm chunky, so reaching my toenails isn't the easiest thing, and it's simply an unpleasant experience.  I then came home and painted my nails to match my feet.  I have no idea how long it will be until I will be able to paint them again, so they're pretty basic.

I received the phone call this afternoon telling me what time I need to be at the hospital tomorrow.  I am my doctor's first surgery tomorrow, so I get to be at the hospital at 5:45AM for a 7:30AM surgery.  I hate being the first surgery of the day!  It's going to be a VERY EARLY morning tomorrow.  

I think it's starting to sink in that this is about to begin.  I won't look the same this time tomorrow.  I don't know what I will look like, but I know I won't look like I do right now.  I will have to wear different bras where padding can be added, and I'll have to figure out how to make my chest look as "normal" as possible.  Yes, I'm not loosing an entire breast, but a chunk is being taken out and it just won't be the same.  

I'm still waiting to find out whether I'll be having chemotherapy or radiation treatment.  Apparently I'll have that answer at my post op appointment next week.  I think it's pretty crappy that I have to wait that long.  I'll be asking her tomorrow if that's the soonest I can get the results.  As you know, I like to plan.  Which treatment I'll need is probably the biggest question since it will affect so many people in my life.

So here we go.  Surgery is never fun, and recovery is often even harder.

Leaving on a happy note.  I'm not a fan of Disney Star Wars.  Read HERE to learn all about it.  The sequels are a DISGRACE, The Book of Boba Fett is ridiculous, and only The Mandalorian has been interesting to me.  However, I didn't even start watching that show until I heard about the finale of season two because they gave us the Luke Skywalker we SHOULD'VE HAD IN THE SEQUELS!  Disney is now going to try and sell us a new 6 episode show; Obi-Wan Kenobi.  I LOVE Ewan McGregor's performance as Obi-Wan.  He was the best part of the prequels. I'm excited, but scared to death about this.  I keep holding out that Disney will stop destroying original characters, and continue to be let down.  The trailer for this show dropped this afternoon, and it looks really good.

Please don't suck.  Please, oh please don't suck!  Please don't destroy Obi-Wan Kenobi like you have almost every other original trilogy character you've brought back!  If they destroy Obi-Wan, I will be DONE with Disney Star Wars!